Thinking is feeling

A thought is a feeling,

It could be healing, 

And change how you're feeling, 

But if you're stuck in the past, 

Thinking can feel distraught like a snot

Bringing you down, 

I want you to feel what am thinking, 

so you never do the unthinking

-jb1writes

This poem is dedicated to those that suffer in silence ❤️🙏

It all started after my car accident in 2018.

Before waking up in the hospital bed. I was in the in-between. I don’t know or care if you believe in heaven and hell or God or anything religious. What I saw and felt was extraordinary, especially because most would say I am condemned to hell for being non-binary. Furthermore, as I lay down on the hospital bed a crowd of spirits surrounded my bed at a distance and then from above I saw Saint Michael come down with a firing sword pointing straight down at them. When he completely came down, he waved his sword in flames towards them as they wanted to move forward closer to me, but he wouldn’t allow it. Saint Michael turned to face me and his facial expression looked angry but not at me, as he looked down at my legs he looked angry. Then those spirits still standing there are trying to move towards me again, so Saint Michael turns waving his sword and pointing it at them again. In the middle of him doing this, there’s a sudden drop of light to my left side of the bed. I couldn't see his face. I could only see him dressed in a white cloth and a bright light coming out of his body. Likewise, I couldn’t believe it, at that moment those spirits surrounding my bed were completely gone. Saint Michael, still standing there facing him, started by bending his knee at him. At that moment, I see the white shiny man in a white cloth lifting his right hand and pointing with his right index finger to my right side at that moment Saint Michael rises from being on his knees and begins walking close to my lower-left side of my bed as he gets close he reaches to touch my legs at that moment when he’s touching me I also feel the touch on my left shoulder I am gasping for air and start opening my eyes taking my first breath into a new life and to see that I’m in a hospital bed. After all, this nothing has been the same. I lost everything I didn’t really want to connect with anyone. I was hurting because I couldn’t go back to work. I couldn't go running or lift weights. That life was no more. I felt different at the time I was staying at my stepdad‘s house and I didn’t really want to show that I was suffering in silence. I made arrangements to move out and be on my own. The feeling of solitude just kept getting stronger and stronger. I felt less tolerant of people's way of thinking. I started meditating and that's when I started feeling a little better. Then problems started and I felt uncomfortable where I was because of their beliefs. So I was pushed to move into a different location, things just got worse and I was even more pushed into solitude with no outside communication other than some family members. Before this happened one of my therapists already had mentioned that I had experienced a spiritual awakening. So when this happened I knew I had to stay strong, meditate and not lose faith. The meditations became very intense. For example, in the middle of meditating, I experienced strong uncontrollable emotions as if someone was pulling something out of my chest. I felt a strong force of energy and couldn’t stop crying. As I continue to meditate painful memories would come through my head attached to strong feelings. but the feeling of forgiving was so strong I couldn’t fight. There I slowly started letting go and just living for the moment, understanding I had no control over my surroundings or people, only my actions and myself. “I am not alone when I love the person I’m alone with”!

 For those that think you are experiencing a spiritual awakening my advice is to try to stay calm, and strong. I know it can be overwhelming but in the end, you will feel better.

-jb1writes

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes”. Carl Jung

You overcome by

Learning from every fall

Choosing to get up every day

changing your perspective, 

changing negative to positive

reprogramming your subconscious

saying no I won't quit

But most importantly

get to know you.

Life is full of ups and downs, that's the first thing I had to understand. After my last Suicidal attempt, I had a strange experience in the in-between, to me, it was a dream. I remember a woman dressed in an old nurse's uniform standing by my hospital bed with tears running down her eyes, she spoke to me and said, “why do you want to kill yourself when there are so many kids dying in hospitals” and walked away. I was shocked a few minutes later, the doctor came into my room and told me I was going to be admitted to another hospital for some time. Likewise, I had nothing to answer, I just said, okay. That was the longest I had ever been hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I remember the reason for my attempt. I was struggling to get a stable home while I waited to be admitted to an out-of-state school that I had applied to previously. And I was having terrible luck. I was moving from house to house with different people claiming that they wanted to help but in every house, I always encountered different dangers. For example, an disgusting old man with a wife and kids and perverted intentions or a single disgusting old man that uses food to manipulate the situation and those that like to take your money but limit your freedom cheating you out of the privacy you are paying for (you pay the price of the room, but that’s not your room). I forgot to mention when all this was happening I was holding a job at a fast food restaurant making minimum wage and was very proud of it. When all of this was happening I was in contact with one of the best people I have ever met, and I doubt I will ever meet someone like her. She was my admissions' counselor for my out-of-state school. If it wasn’t for her help after getting out of the hospital, I probably wouldn’t be here. I guess she saw something in me that I couldn’t see at that time, but I know I had it in me because I would’ve never written my bike those miles to her office to reapply for school to change my life unless I wanted that change. I conclude you’re always going to have problems/obstacles in many areas of your life, but you will always have a choice between giving up or getting up and ready for another day. Not only that, but I didn’t do this on my own. Furthermore, I did go to therapy and I encourage you to do the same.

I dedicate this poem to that one person that changed my life. By giving me an opportunity that no one else did.

I Remember 

I remember how much I cried,

I remember thinking I want to be dead,

I remember feeling heavy like a rock,

I remember being stuck in that bed,

I remember thinking I cannot see myself getting back together again,

I remember thinking I want to be with you gram,

I remember saying, don't tell me you know how it feels,

I remember my last try,

I also remember no one was there except one,

I do remember an angel with no wings,

just a simple human landing a hand. 

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here.

Miss Brown wherever you are, thank you.

-jb1writes

Any type of harassment leaves scars!

This is a critical subject for me! I will be writing about my experience with this type of assault. Like always, I will not be disclosing the names of locations or people due to legal reasons. Whether you believe it or not, I don't care. I need to share this with those that have experienced a similar situation. Foremost, I know how it feels to be scared of speaking up because of the lack of evidence for this type of crime. The working environment is supposed to be safe and harassment-free, but I guess it depends on who you know and what position they have. So, everybody in my workplace knew I prefer women. That's something I am very open and proud of, but I guess they didn’t quite grasp that idea in their head so multiple times they approached me from behind grabbed me and many time's management addressed them, but that didn't matter, nothing was done. And don't think I didn't try to do something I did, and it resulted in retribution from their close friends in higher positions. This experience is not subject to one company, I guess joking around trying to keep the atmosphere in peace confuses the mentality of a male species. No offense, I know, not all men are the same. And this doesn’t only happen with men, women can also fall into the same behavior. Furthermore, I am the type of employee that doesn’t like socializing with other employees. I believe in keeping everything professional. There were only two occasions that I felt obligated to give a coworker a ride home, but that’s it. I believe that socializing too much with coworkers causes problems, especially if you are promoted to a higher position. So, I believe that my work ethic was not approved and was strongly criticized. Why do I say this because when people don’t know anything about you, they can’t gossip right? But when you start seeing coworkers drive around your private residence, you know something is wrong because I never invited any of my coworkers to my residence or was friends to that extent with anyone. The strangest thing is this particular coworker was previously fired. How did they manage to get my address? “Not only that” then current employees started making comments about locations where I had been insinuating that they knew my every move. I was going through so many things at that time, I was trying to stay focused on what mattered most. I had a close friend at the time, so I thought! That made an interesting comment after I mentioned I saw someone from work around the location. She replied, “It is illegal for a man to privately investigate someone's past or present life”. What she meant by that I don’t know, she did not explain. After all of this, that was going on financially. I was also struggling, so I ended up moving to a different location. But I believe this made things worse, The location where I had moved was close to the residence of the person who violated me years ago. To my surprise one day I was at the neighborhood Food 4 Less when I lifted my head up and there he was in front of me in the same line I grabbed the car and I remembered I just left everything there and walked out as fast as I could. I was so scared I went to a psychiatric facility close to the area. I wanted to avoid speaking I only told them I feel suicidal I wanted to be admitted I wanted to avoid being out in public I didn’t want to go back home, I was terrified. Being face to face was like reliving the moment, and I know that those that have experienced some kind of assault will understand my reaction. After that day, other things started happening. My car started being vandalized by putting nails on my tires every week, I had a flat tire then I switched cars and the same thing started again. I did contact the police, but they couldn’t do anything but file a report. Then the situation escalated from flat tires to different liquids thrown on my windows and smashing headlights. I lost count of how many times I moved until I had to move back to my family's home after moving there a couple of days had passed, and I thought I was finally going to be in peace until one night I remember exiting the freeway and going to the nearest gas station where a mysterious black SUV with a heavyweight female screaming out of her driver's seat looking straight at me speaking straight at me telling me “I will never leave you alone you ruined her life” when I tried to get close to her to get a better look at her, she steps on the gas and exit the gas station. This just stunned me. I didn't know what to make of it. I just got more scared. Subsequently, I had an awful accident and I don't remember anything. Why am I writing about it now? Because if I would’ve known what I know now, I would’ve proceeded to seek justice no matter what. So, my message for those that are or have been going through a similar situation is “don’t be afraid” find the courage to speak up and bring those people to justice. Don't make the same mistake I made because you will regret it like I have all these years. 

-jb1writes

“Stick to the truth with conviction” 

What you are about to read in this article is my ability to survive and overcome bigotry, and opportunism in all aspects of life. When you have no physical disability, it's easier to deal with discrimination you learn to ignore. But what happens when suddenly that changes? Well, that's precisely what happened to me. It happened on 4/13/2018 that evening I don't recall the time, I also don't remember anything during or after my car when off a ditch up in the mountains.​ I only remember waking up in a hospital bed confused and scared.​ I was sedated most of the time, so I don’t know how long I was in intensive care.​ But I do remember one of the doctors coming into the room letting me know I needed urgent surgery to repair my left side humerus and clavicle and he also I recall said, “you are lucky, and you have broken all your ribs too” I was still confused and between drowsy and awake.​ I went ahead and sign the papers for the surgery.​ Some days passed, and I was told that I needed to be transferred to a rehabilitation hospital.​ At this point I was even more confused I just agreed with everything they said because they wouldn’t let me get out of bed I wasn’t able to eat solid food I had a tube inside my left lug and a catheter, so I knew something was wrong.​ Days passed and my will to keep going just got stronger.​ I wasn’t told what to expect or if I would ever be able to walk on my own.​ My mother was in denial about the outcome I clearly remember her telling me to “just get up and walk try to leave the wheelchair”, My stepfather was also in the room I remember supporting my mother's way of encouragement he said, “I got up and started walking after surgery I didn’t care”. I just didn't say a thing. In my mind, I was asking God for strength, to deal with the anger I was feeling. The day had come for me to be discharged from the hospital, and I was so happy. I am not the type of person that likes hospitals or being sick. So, this was not a pleasant time for me. Getting out and not being able to walk like before without needing a quad or without losing my balance was a challenge, emotionally it was crushing me inside, especially my pride, but I never complained to anyone or showed my pain for the first year I cried in silence. After not being able to get the support I required from my family, I decided that I needed to move out. 

I reached out to someone I had met before the accident, and they introduced me to an older woman with strange beliefs about religion and so on. This person seemed to want to help, so I allowed it. She offered me a place to rent in her house, so I accepted. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get away, I would be one hour away from my family. In the beginning, things were okay, but as soon as I started researching more into their religious beliefs I realized most of the things I was told were not true, I didn’t feel comfortable anymore after my research I stopped going to their gatherings or even practicing anything that they did. That provoked a confrontation between me and the woman, one day I didn’t want to go to a gathering she got upset and decided she was going to talk to me even if I didn't want to she knocked on the door I wouldn’t open, so she had her key and went ahead and open the RV and came in. I was upset, and I told her “get out, I would rather not talk to you”. But she didn't listen, so I grabbed my phone and told her, “I’m calling the cops '. That made her step outside. When the police officer got there he asked me what was going on, and I told him “she’s upset because I don't want to go to her religious gatherings” then he proceeded to let me know she was accusing me of being suicidal I couldn't believe what he was telling me she told him “I was going to kill myself”. I asked him, “do I look suicidal to you”? He just smiled, I told him “I’m moving out, just let her know I do not want her around me until I’m able to move out”. 

That was that and eventually, I moved out. I found a nice, quiet RV Park for people that needed time to recuperate. I was comfortable. Furthermore, I even met a couple of neighbors that were very helpful, especially one older lady who gave me her number and volunteered to help me pick up groceries and take me to my doctor's appointments. Like always everything was fine at the beginning until I started feeling worse, and my equilibrium also started getting worse. After an incident witnessed by one of my neighbors, he went ahead and got me a wheelchair. I was not too happy about it, but I knew I required it. My neck started feeling like a noodle. I couldn't hold it in place. My balance started getting worse, my leg was going out more, and my pain was also getting worse. So that pleasant older Lady came to my RV and told me you should get rid of your lawyer and let me represent you. I laughed, and I said no, but I can put you as my witness. So, I did, “oh how much I regret that”. After that things changed She became bossier she wouldn’t let people address me, she would get in the middle of our conversations. One afternoon I grabbed the wheelchair to go speak to my landlord, well the older Lady found me halfway to the office, when we got there I was on an ongoing conversation with my landlord when she interrupted and stepped in the middle and wouldn’t let me talk she started speaking over me, I was upset, and I told her, please let me talk and don’t interrupt me. She was so upset we started moving away and slowly to my right ear next to my shoulder she bends down and starts insulting me and then telling me I will never disrespect her like that I remain calm until I got to my RV after that I got on the phone with my landlord and I told her I do not want her helping me at all. The landlord had no problems listening to me because she told me that she had heard everything. I felt relieved and safe, with nothing to prove. But thereafter, I started running out of my savings, so I had to move out again.

I called my mom and asked for help. She told me she had a friend with a big house that had just been bought. She also said, “I will help pay your rent,” I said okay. The lady seemed nice, but with problems. She told me I could go inside to cook or put things in the refrigerator. But of course, that didn’t work. Occasionally my things would be placed somewhere else where I couldn’t get them. My wheelchair was unable to go inside, which made things more difficult for me. I remember having access to an extension cord to charge my cell phone and cook on my electric skillet, no refrigerator, no air conditioner, and no microwave. I survived on canned food and dry products. Occasionally they would get upset, so I suddenly didn’t have power or water, multiple times. I had to call the cops to come and have them restore the water and power. I remember her asking to speak with me. Furthermore, I didn't know what about until she told me maybe I should consider going to a retirement home or an institution, you can also tell them you’re suffering from bipolar diseases, so you can receive your benefits faster. Likewise, I was furious but didn’t show her any emotions and said to her that's illegal, and I am still able to be independent. Not only that, but I just need physical help. Thereafter, I distance myself from all of them. Later they brought an adorable pit bull to the house, but unfortunately, that only cost more problems for me. As the dog grew bigger people were more afraid,, especially after the pit bull attacked one of my Medical driver's no one wanted to go inside. After the incident, weeks passed without me being able to get my medication delivered or even have visitors. My family didn’t even want to come, especially my brother, who at the time would pick up my groceries from Walmart to bring them to me. He was also uncomfortable with the dog. For a long time, I suffered in silence again until I was able to get my disability benefits and move out of there. 

The reason I share my experience is to make people aware of what some people are capable of without any consideration for their physical limitations. Just because you think someone’s lying does not make it true, maybe in the person’s mind. If you’re not someone’s doctor, what gives you the right to assume and judge? 

The only thing I’ve learned from this experience is patience, tolerance, and forgiveness. And absolutely no judging.

-jb1writes